Finally, the Release.
As a child, my imagination expanded beyond my ability to comprehend its power. Why? It's because my spirit, my mind, and my capacity to reach the depths of my imagination were suffocated.
In this blog, I will release many things that are connected but not attached to my life. That's because I've let them go. However, this is not an act of reliving past traumas or exercising the victimization that my "past self" so loved to indulge in. I'm exceptionally grateful and honored that I have healed and moved forward with first my thoughts and ultimately, my life. This "release" is given this title as it represents my ability to finally be transparent; publicly. For many years, I sat in grief, self-sabotage, depression, anxiety, guilt, being a victim and blaming everyone that transferred pain and hurt into my life. The healing, transformation, and realization of the self-deprecating activities that I inflicted upon my own life that are no longer, only took place in private. Therefore, setting my public life up for failure. However, the "release" is, it's here and it's NOW!
I remember being five years old, dressed in my favorite pink with white-trim short set. It was soft and plush. I have never in my life been a shy person nor have I ever met a stranger. A crowd was always subject to being my audience. There was a circle of family members and friends sitting in my great-grandmother's yard (may God rest her soul). The music was loud and I was drawn to the music and to them. I just needed someone to give me the first, slightest notion to go for it and I would burst into a dance; right slap dab in the middle of the circle of people. I spoke what was on my mind and my daughter reminds me of my spirit. I was outgoing, fearless, daring, spontaneous and fierce! At five! However, something happened. Slowly, throughout the years, I noticed the decline in who I was.
I realize that I allowed childhood traumas to hold me in captivity along with the damage it placed on my spirit and how that transferred to the mental status of how I adjusted and performed in my life. I used to think that something was really wrong with me; that I probably existed just because and for no specific reason. I used to believe that I was this off-brand, low-life that attracted all things dark, negative and traumatizingly crippling. See, without naming particular people in this space here, I must share that even as a child, as many other children have experienced, I was transcended into the horrific life of child molestation.
I was trapped with this demonic adversary over my life for many years and it really began to feel as if it didn't matter to me who, what or how long, until that force came upon me and attacked from someone I would look up to, love, plant my heart into, trust and honor. It was then that my life was stamped with the seal of forever pain, forever stuck, forever stunted, and forever tormented. I allowed my will to live in abundance cook down into vapor and dissipate. The more I mentally and emotionally ignited my pain and dark, crippling thoughts, the more I suffocated in guilt and self-sabotage.
It was to me, as if because of those traumas, I was a magnet for negativity. Growing up, I was very disturbed. I was mentally prisoned in the traps cultivated by my childhood trauma. I grew up, partially, in California, where I was initiated into gangs. I would fight people who were innocent. I would participate in unhealthy sexual activities, recreational drugs, alcohol and group crimes. I'd skip school from time to time but ultimately and fortunately, I passed every grade, and was only kicked out of one California middle school. Eventually, I meshed into the wrong relationships with men. Some were abusive, crippling and down right toxic!
When I moved back to my home town, pregnant at 17 with my first child, living with my parents and dreading welfare, I realized many heart-stabbing, liberating aspects concerning my life. One, that I had to can the bullshit, grow up, become a mother, figure out my life and move forward with a positive outlook on everything and claim my abundant birthright! That took years! When it was all said and done, these events took place and not necessarily in this order.
A man I dated for only four months tried to kill me, no, literally. He choked me until I almost lost consciousness. My head was slammed into an apartment wall and I ended up running down a street barefoot, bleeding, and looking for the police! Another incident where I ended up having another child, living and dating with a man for over eight years, I had an unhealthy relationship with money, additionally, I wasn't making any money, one miscarriage, lost my home, my long-tenured job as a supervisor (my own huge office), I escaped drugs & alcohol, I escaped an unhealthy, toxic, abusive relationship, I carried my last child full term, gave birth and I lost him after two days. One of the worst things that has ever happened in my life!
I say all of this to say and to show, that my past does not dictate my future. Nor, does it hinder me from living out my purpose. I have had to seriously analyze my life. There were many things I had to take into consideration to save my own life...willingly. Losing my baby son, Nukarri was the worst, most devastating thing of my life but as crazy as it may sound, "He died so that I may live." Thank you Sunny. She gave me that testament and I can truly attest.
I changed my diet, I sold and gave everything away out of my then home, escaped my relationship, changed my mindset to an abundant one, de-programmed my way of thinking, got more educated with financial literacy, life courses, energy work and self development. It was coming around full circle, literally. Let me validate that statement for you; surprisingly, I ended up back at my parents home after 20 years, living in my old childhood bedroom with me and my daughter. Look how life turns you all the way around to revisit your entire life in an instant to revamp and do over with purpose and power!
I thought I would die when I lost my son because I couldn't take the pain. I couldn't eat, sleep, rest, talk, go out or have any fun. I refrained from taking care of my hygiene, my hair, my prescribed meds and mental therapy. But I didn't stop praying and I didn't stop listening to the spirit of my deceased son, nor did I stop embracing the sunshine through the spirit of my living daughter and eldest son.
There were so many different alignments that had to be made. It was a gradual process of cleansing, healing, enlightening and self-development. Even when I realized that my present world, consisted of me and my daughter sleeping in a twin bed together in the tightest, little room of my parent's home and one income from the matrix of the corporate world, slaving all that I had left in me to fulfil the duties of my state position, making pennies to survive, I held my head high and learned all I could on every aspect of my life: Financial literacy, Self development, Meditation, Communication, Community, Health, you name it!
The Broken Barrier
Leaning in toward my own healing
It has been a difficult road to travel, yet I was able to crawl, skip, run, slide, roll, fall, jump, walk and stroll my way through. "I can see clearer now, the rain is gone." Regardless of all the droughts and struggles and pains and hardships and soooo many traumas I experienced, my flower was still blooming.
It's not easy, I know but it's damn worth it! Your heart is not purple from pain, it's purple because it's ROYALTY!! You can make it through anything and I for one know that I did, as hard as it was, I still made it through; and you can too!
We can help you.